What it feels like to deconstruct your faith.

A few years ago I started deconstructing my faith.

I didn’t share much online about the process…you may or may not know I went to graduate school and got a Master’s Degree in Theological Studies at San Francisco Theological Seminary.

I wrote my thesis on advocating for women in church leadership, which was a significant full-circle experience for me.

In May 2023, I graduated and got to celebrate Commencement with the rest of my incredible cohort and I thought it was time to share a bit of my story.

For me, deconstruction started when world events, passion for social justice, and personal experiences at the church I was attending had left me broken and so lonely. The faith I had built so much of my life and identity on felt like it was unraveling. I was unraveling.

I needed a place where I could ask questions. I was desperate for it. I needed to learn where these beliefs came from and examine, for myself, what I found to still be true. I have never felt a call so strongly in my life as the one to go to Seminary and study theology.

And I could not have known how transformative and refining the process would be. Truly — I tore it all down. I examined every piece of my faith, wrestled deeply with it, and then reintegrated only what I had unshakeable trust in. The rest I now hold lightly with an open hand.

There were long stretches throughout the last three years that were excruciating if I’m being honest. It was an isolating, depressing, fearful, beautiful thing. For a good while, all I had left to stand on was “I’m still here believing God is still good” (Charaia Callabrass). I would often repeat this phrase to myself over and over.

The beauty I see in it now is that I could not have imagined the woman I would become on the other side of it all. But I believe God definitely knew and wouldn’t have settled for anything less for me.

I have assurance that this is exactly what I was meant to do during that season of my life. A lot of learning (and even more unlearning) had to happen for me to have this now fortress of faith. I feel like my truest self and I am not afraid to show that to the world.

There is unending gratitude in my heart for the students, staff, and faculty at SFTS. You held me, challenged me, taught me, and acknowledged me in all the ways I needed. To learn from and alongside you all was one of the greatest honors of my life.

Because of the work you do, I have hope for the future of the Church.

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  1. Misty Nevis says:

    Sounds like quite the adventure. I’m glad you had the desire and opportunity to go all the way through it. 🤟❤️ Very Proud of You

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